Mi Marathi.....

मी मराठी आहे कारण 31st december ला दणक्यात celebration केलं तरी गुढीपाडव्याला घरावर गुढी ऊभारून जीभेवर कडू-गोड गोळी ची चव चाखत मनापासून नवीन वर्षाचं स्वागत करतो..

मी मराठी आहे कारण कॉलेज मधून येताना टाइमपास मंचुरियन खाऊन आलो तरी वरण भात आणि साजूक तुपाशिवाय माझं भागत नाही..

मी मराठी आहे कारण रिकी मार्टिन च्या गाण्यावर माझे पाय थिरकले तरी बाबूजींचे 'तोच चंद्रमा नभात' ऐकल्यावर नकळतच तोंडातून 'वाह' निघून जातं..

मी मराठी आहे कारण frnds सोबत cool outfits घालून धम्माल पार्टी केली तरी संक्रांत दस-याला मानचा फ़ेटा आणि धोतर घालून,तितक्याच उत्साहात नातेवाईकांच्या घरी जायला मला आवडतं..

आम्ही मराठी आहोत कारण कितीही imported cosmetics- perfumes वापरले तरी त्या typical sandal साबणा शिवाय आणि उटण्या शिवाय आमची दिवाळी साजरी होऊच शकत नाही..

आम्ही मराठी आहोत कारण वर्तमानपत्रांनी कितीही कृत्रिम रंगाविषयी लिहिलं तरी दिवसभर मनसोक्त रंग खेळल्याशिवाय एकही होळी जात नाही..

आम्ही मराठी आहोत कारण प्रवासाला जाताना गाडीतून एखादं मंदिर दिसलं की नकळतच आमचे हात जोडले जातात

लाभले आम्हास भाग्य बोलतो मराठी
जाहलो खरेच धन्या एक तो मराठी
धर्म, पंथ, जात एक जाणतो मराठी
एवढ्या जगात माय मानतो मराठी

आमुच्या मनामानात दंग ते मराठी
आमुच्या रगरगात रंगते मराठी
आमुच्या उरा उरात स्पंदाते मराठी
आमुच्या नसानसात नाच ते मराठी

आमुच्या पिलापिलात जन्मते मराठी
आमुच्या लहानग्यात रांगते मराठी
आमुच्या मुलामुलीत खेळते मराठी
आमुच्या घराघरात वाढते मराठी

आमुच्या कुला कुलात नांदते मराठी
येथल्या फुलाफुलात हासते मराठी
येथल्या दिशादिशात दाट ते मराठी
येथल्या नगानगात गर्जते मराठी

येथल्या दरीदरीत हिंडते मराठी
येथल्या वनावनात गुंजते मराठी
येथल्या तरुलतात साजते मराठी
येथल्या कळीकळीत लाजते मराठी

येथल्या नभामधून वर्षते मराठी
येथल्या पिकांमधून डोलते मराठी
येथल्या नद्यांमधून वाहते मराठी
येथल्या चराचरात राहते मराठी

पाहुणे जरी असंख्य पोसते मराठी
आपुल्या घरात हाल सोसते मराठी
हे असे कितीक 'खेळ' पाहते मराठी
शेवटी मदांध तख्त फोडते मराठी

ती गेली तेव्हा रिमझिम, पाऊस निनादत होता
मेघांत अडकली किरणे, हा सूर्य सोडवित होता

तशि सांजहि अमुच्या दारी, येऊन थबकली होती
शब्दांत अर्थ उगवावा, अर्थांतुन शब्द वगळता

ती आई होती म्हणुनी, घनव्याकुळ मीही रडलो
त्यावेळी वारा सावध, पाचोळा उडवित होता

अंगणात गमले मजला, संपले बालपण माझे
खिडकीवर धुरकट तेव्हा, कंदील एकटा होता

हे रक्त वाढतानाही, मज आता गहिंवर नाही
वस्त्रांत द्रौपदीच्याही, तो कृष्ण नागडा होता

Husband apna aisa bright ho

Jeans dheeli magar body tight ho
Biwi ka her nakhra uthaye, itna mizaaj uska light ho
Husband apna aisa bright ho

Uff tak na kare itna quiet ho
Dinner banaye wo jab bhi romantic night ho
Shopping ker ke jab bhi aoon, bolay begum tum kitni nice ho
Husband apna aisa bright ho

Mujhay rani bana ker rakhay, to phir zindagi delight ho
Saas sussar ke samne kahay, jaan tum hamesha right ho
Hamesha jo haar maan jaye, jab bhi kabhi fight ho
Husband apna aisa bright ho

Jaha chahoon jaoon, jo chahy karoon, kuch is tarah ki life ho
Her doosray week ghoomne phirne ki flight ho
Aisa ho jaye to mein urron aasman mein, jaisay ke kite ho
Husband apna aisa bright ho

Openings at CSSAGlobal:

Currently CSSAGlobal looking for software professionals having 1+ experience in below listed technologies :

1) PHP/MySQL
2) Flash /Action Scripting
3) Dot Net
4) Web Designers
5) Flex

Job Location : Pune

For more details about organization please visit : http://www.cssaglobal.com


CSSAGlobal are starting operations in CHINA till or before November 2008 and hence recruiting at a very high rate.




Note : Freshers won't be entertained, so kindly 1+ yrs professionals can get in touch with or mail to nitin.jagdale@cssaglobal.com

THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX

Very very Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...

Question 1:
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:


An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to ! pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"

The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match for my sister than you sir"
Question 3 : Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.

Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said later when asked
Question 4: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate. Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.
You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that coffee was kept before.

(Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet)
Reply was "TEA" ( T - alphabet) Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"
Question 5 : Where Lord Rama would have celebrated his "First Diwali"? People will start thinking of Ayodya, Mitila [Janaki's place], Lanka etc...

But the logic is, Diwali was a celebrated as a mark of Lord Krishna Killing Narakasura. In Dusavataar, Krishnavathaar comes after Raamavathaar.

So, Lord Rama would not have celebrated the Diwali At all!
Question 6:
The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last question of the interview. Please tell me the exact position of the center of this table where u have kept your files."

Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table and told that this was the central point at the table. Interviewer asked how did u get to know that this being the central point of this table, then he answers quickly that sir u r not likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that u promised to ask.....

And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness. ............

This is What is what is expected from all of us "THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX"

Your Attitude..............

Seems this is a real story that happened between the customer of General Motors and its Customer-Care Executive.

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you
for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that
we have a tradition in our family of Ice-Cream for dessert after
dinner each night. but the kind of ice cream varies so, every night,
after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream
we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a
fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips
to the store have created a problem.

You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back from
the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream,
the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this
question, no matter how silly it sounds:

"What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get
vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?"

The Pontiac Executive was understandably skeptical about the letter,
but sent an Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised
to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine
neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime,
so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It
was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came
back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The Engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got
chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The
car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to
start.

Now the Engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this
man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore,
to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem.
And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts
of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive back and forth
etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy
vanilla than any other flavor.

Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the
most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store
for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the
store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to
check out the flavor. Now, the question for the Engineer was why the
car wouldn't start when it took less time.

Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla ice cream!!!!

The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapour lock". It was
happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other
flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When
the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock
to dissipate.

Remember:
Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem
to be simple only when we find the solution with cool thinking.

Don't just say its "IMPOSSIBLE" without putting a sincere effort...
Observe the word "IMPOSSIBLE" carefully... Looking closer you will
see, "I'M POSSIBLE"...

What really matters is your attitude and your perception.

SARDAR in ARABIA

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

'It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.'

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:
'Please tie a pillow to my back.'


This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.


The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: 'Please fix two pillows to my back.'


But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.


The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:


'You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!'


'Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,' Sardar replied.


'In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.'


'Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.' The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.


'If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.' And what is your second wish?' the Sheik asked.


Sardar smiled and said, 'Tie the Pakistani to my back' !!!

Advertisement at its Best..........

U want to know ….what competition is????? …..

Here is a little glimpse of that……
This is a hoarding Jet Airways put at a busy road in Mumbai (bandra road )

Bihar Flood...........Please help!

Just came across an innovative site to help Bihar Flood victims. Shows how one can contribute without actually spending anything or being physically present by spending 60 seconds of one's time. Just have to answer simple questions, and sponsors will pay to the NGO on your behalf. Kindly spread the word. (http://www.helpbihar.in)






By clicking on the above website, Biscuits, candles and soaps are donated to the flood victimes in Bihar....
Help them!

World will end in 2012..........

Scientific experts from around the world are genuinely predicting that five years from now, all life on Earth could well finish. Some are saying it'll be humans that set it off. Others believe that a natural phenomenon will be the cause. And the religious folks are saying it'll be God himself who presses the stop button...


1. Mayan Calendar


The first mob to predict 2012 as the end of the world were the Mayans, a bloodthirsty race that were good at two things:

Building highly accurate astrological equipment out of stone and
Sacrificing Virgins.

Thousands of years ago they managed to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, only 34 seconds out. The Mayan calendar predicts that the Earth will end on December 21, 2012. Given that they were pretty close to the mark with the lunar cycle, it's likely they've got the end of the world right as well.

2. Sun Storms



Solar experts from around the world monitoring the sun have made a startling discovery: our sun is in a bit of strife. The energy output of the sun is, like most things in nature, cyclic, and it's supposed to be in the middle of a period of relative stability. However, recent solar storms have been bombarding the Earth with so much radiation energy, it's been knocking out power grids and destroying satellites. This activity is predicted to get worse, and calculations suggest it'll reach its deadly peak sometime in 2012

3. The Atom Smasher

Scientists in Europe have been building the world's largest particle accelerator. Basically its a 27km tunnel designed to smash atoms together to find out what makes the Universe tick. However, the mega-gadget has caused serious concern, with some scientists suggesting that it's properly even a bad idea to turn it on in the first place. They're predicting all manner of deadly results, including mini black holes. So when this machine is fired up for its first serious experiment in 2012, the world could be crushed into a super-dense blob the size of a basketball.

4. The Bible says...

If having scientists warning us about the end of the world isn't bad enough,religious folks are getting in on the act aswell. Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. The I Ching, also known as the Chinese book of Changes, says the same thing, as do various sections of the Hindu teachings.

5. Super Volcano
Yellowstone National Park in the United States is famous for its thermal springs and Old Faithful geyser. The reason for this is simple - it's sitting on top of the world's biggest volcano, and geological experts are beginning to get nervous sweats. The Yellowstone volcano has a pattern of erupting every 650,000 years or so, and we're many years overdue for an explosion that will fill the atmosphere with ash, blocking the sun and plunging the Earth into a frozen winter that could last up to 15,000 years. The pressure under the Yellowstone is building steadily, and geologists have set 2012 as a likely date for the big bang.

6. The Physicists

This one's case of bog-simple maths mathematics. Physicists at Berekely Uni have been crunching the numbers. and they've determined that the Earth is well overdue for a major catastrophic event. Even worse, they're claiming their calculations prove, that we're all going to die, very soon - while also saying their prediction comes with a certainty of 99 percent- and 2012 just happens to be the best guess as to when it occurs.

7. Slip-Slop-Slap-BANG!

We all know the Earth is surrounded by a magnetic field that sheilds us from most of the sun's radiation. What you might not know is that the magnetic poles we call north and south have a nasty habit of swapping places every 750,000 years or so - and right now we're about 30,000 years overdue. Scientists have noted that the poles are drifting apart roughly 20-30kms each year, much faster than ever before, which points to a pole-shift being right around the corner. While the pole shift is underway, the magnetic field is disrupted and will eventually disappear, sometimes for up to 100 years. The result is enough UV outdoors to crisp your skin in seconds, killing everything it touches.

Can water be seperated??

The above two Photos are of the two rivers flowing in southern part near Cape Town , South Africa .

These two river flow together and finally settle down in the Ocean. The taste of one river water is extremely sweet whereas the taste of other river is extremely opposite (that is bitter) but they never mix. There is no physical barrier in between these rivers which stops them from mixing together but it is the will & order of God.

This came to know in the starting of 20th century only where as Almighty God has mentioned the nature of these two rivers in Holy Bible & Holy Quran 1400 years back .

Jobs at CSSAglobal....

CSSAglobal looking for software professionals having 1+ experience in below listed technologies :

1) PHP/MySQL
2) Flash /Action Scripting
3) Dot Net
4) Web Designers
5) Flex

Job Location : Pune

For more details about organization please visit : http://www.cssaglobal.com

They are starting operations in CHINA till or before November 2008 and hence recruiting at a very high rate. Kindly provide references at the earliest as to let your friends and yourself a chance to grow more and fast.


Applications fitting in the criteria will be called within 30 working hours and will be schedule for further proceedings.

Note : Freshers won't be entertained, so kindly 1+ yrs professionals can only contact.

-----------------------------------------
Mail HR: nitin.aloneinworld@gmail.com

Manager Human Resources
CSSAGlobal,
Pune
------------------------------------------

Great Finishes...

The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, goes to bed
early, in short ... does not exist



Keep your office clean... stay home !!!



Be quiet in the office...... respect the fact that others sleep !



When you get this E MAIL, send it to 1 person u love, 1 u hate, 1 u always
think of and 1 u wish to kill. Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u ..



Sometime my mind asks why I miss you? Why I care for you? Why I remember
you? Then my heart answers it's simply because mental patient needs more
care .



Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be
transferred from one girlfriend to another girl friend with loss of
Certain amount of money.

Vitamins..

Funny Facts............

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

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To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak..
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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
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If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

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As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

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He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

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If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late..

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Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

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When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

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If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

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Especially for engg. Students----

If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

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The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
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If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

The Timex Nail Watch: Get the Time on Your nails

We have seen many different types of futuristic watches with strange shapes and design but none so unique as this. Now lets welcome the Nail watch, that can be worn on the thumb. You may have never seen a watch that can be worn on the thumb but times are going to change thanks to Timex. Timex, in collaboration with Core77, held a global design competition called 2154: the future of time design. So what we are seeing here is the TX54 concept which was a runner up there.






Thanks to a translucent body, the design blends seamlessly with the nail while a selection of text color options and a glow feature activating on command make it supremely functional as well. Press the end of your thumbnail, and the watch will light up for you. A perfect blend of appearance, user interface, and technology, the nail watch passes most standards of modern design with flying colors thanks to its functional and minimalist appeal. The watch looks stylish and chic and has a touch of Geeky style as well. The downside of this watch is that it is disposable. So with so many stylish watched being available now, it will be hard for it to survive in the market. Though it is quite innovative with a minimalist design, but it won't last long on your finger.No details about the availability or the price of this watch has been released by Timex. But since it is tiny and disposable, I don't expect the price to be high.

Meaning of "I love You"

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said I love you but I know this other woman loves you more and would love to spend some time with you.


The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my two children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.


That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.


What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us." She thought ! about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."


That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.


"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, "she said, as she got into the car.. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting".


We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips."It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were a child,"she said.


Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.


During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary, but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again,but only if you let me invite you." I agreed. "How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.


A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."


At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I LOVE YOU!" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than God & your loved ones. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."

Women in yr life.......

The woman in your life...very well expressed...

Tomorrow you may get a working woman,
but you should marry with these facts as well.

Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are;
Who is earning almost as much as you do;

One, who has dreams and aspirations just as
you have because she is as human as you are;

One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your
Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system
that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements

One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as
much as you do for 20-25 years of her life;

One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who
love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family
,name

One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you
sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment
and that kitchen

One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook
food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more,
and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother,
a wife, even if she doesn't want to; and is learning just like you are as
to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows
that you won't like it if she is too demanding, or if she learns faster
than you;

One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men
at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is
willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational
jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities;

Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won't, simply
because you won't like it, even though you say otherwise

One, who can be late from work once in a while
when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met;

One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important
relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some
and trust her;

One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows
in your entire house - your unstinted support, your sensitivities and most
importantly - your understanding, or love, if you may call it.

Ladies............

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

What Gender is a Computer ?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

"House"
for instance,
is feminine:
"la casa."

"Pencil,"
however,
is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
"computer"
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
"computer"
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
because:

1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.